Humor and Jokes–Good for you mental hygiene,if you are looking for scream therapy,you are on the right place.The Feng Shui Master trained by Madame Auring are on the house,come park and enjoy the fun!
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THIS IS A VERY SHOCKING STORY… NAKAKAKILABOT TALAGA…
March 4, 2008 · 44 Comments
E-Mail from Pareng Mrivera
This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Tiffany. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boyfriend named Noel. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone. You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed her network coverage from Smart to Globe, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of the day talking with Noel. Tiffany’s family knew about their relationship. Noel was very close with Tiffany’s family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends ‘If I pass away please bury me with my hand phone’ she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people couldn’t carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn’t, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said ‘THIS GIRL MISSES SOMETHING HERE ‘. Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. Tiffany’s parents did not inform Noel that Tiffany had passed away.
After 2 weeks Noel called Tiffany’s mom and said, ‘I’m coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don’t tell Tiffany that I’m coming home today, I wanna surprise her.’ Her mother replied… ‘You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important.’ After he came, they told him the truth about Tiffany. Noel thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said ‘don’t try to fool me – tell Tiffany to come out, I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense’. Then they showed him her grave. Noel said, ‘It’s not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Noel was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. ‘See this is from Tiffany, see this…’ he showed the phone to Tiffany’s family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Tiffany & there was no way others could use her SIM card since it was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shui Master’s help again.
The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing…
GLOBE HAS THE BEST COVERAGE…
WHEREVER YOU GO, THEIR NETWORK FOLLOWS…
ANG LAKAS TALAGA NG GLOBE…KAHIT NASAAN KA MAN…
KAYA GLOBE NA KAYO NANG KAYO AY NAKAKASIGURADONG MALAYO ANG MARARATING NINYO… IYON LANG….
NAISAHAN KA BA! BUMAWI KA NA LANG SA IBA… HEHEHE
*
Joeseg // March 5, 2008 at 1:53 am (edit)
REPORTER: Ano po ba ang nangyari?
IMBESTIGADOR: Ninakawan ang opisina ni Congressman Curacot.
***
REPORTER: Malaki siguro ang natangay. Ngayon ko lang nakitang nagalit nang ganyan si Congressman Curacot.
IMBESTIGADOR: Maliit lang. Pero talagang ganyan ang buhay. Ang magnanakaw, galit sa kapwa congressman
***
A group of solons asked the Speaker of the Congress to compel the building supervisor to remove the Ten Commandments bronze plaque at the entrance of the session hall because it creates a hostile work environment. In a building full of lawyers and politicians, they feel alluded to the following commandments:
Thou Shalt Not Steal; Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery; and Thou Shall Not Lie.
***
MR: Isa sa mga bata ang kumuha ng pera sa pitaka ko!
MRS: Sobra ka! Ba’t mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako?!
MR: Siguradong hindi ikaw! Kasi, may natira!
*
TonGuE-tWisTeD Says:–In Ellen’s blog
MALING SUSI
Pagkatapos ng “I am shorry” sa telebisyon noong 2005, nagpasiya si Pandak na ipatapon sa exile si Taba para ipakitang nagdurusa siya…sa Amerika!
Matapos mag-impake, inilabas ni Taba ang isang chastity belt at isinuot yun kay Pandak. “Walang pwedeng makialam diyan. Kahit kulubot na yan, akin lang iyan!” habang kinakandado ng susi.
Pagkatapos ay ipinatawag niya si Depensore sa muchacha. “Tukayo, itong susing ito ay ingatan mo. Sakaling mamatay ako, ikaw lamang ang maaring magbukas niyan pagkatapos ng limang taon tapos ng libing ko. Bespren kita kaya sa iyo ko ipinagkatiwala yan”, sabi ni Taba kay Depensore. “Masusunod, Tukayo,” sagot naman ni Depensore.
Pasakay na ng eroplano si Taba ng biglang makarinig ng sigaw, “Tukayo! Tukayo!” – si Depensore! “Bakit?” tanong ni Taba.
“Taragis ka, mali yung susi!”
VICKEY TOH IS FREE TO GO
Fatsu has a heart attack and dies.He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do here,” says FG and the devil said “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”
Fatsu thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Garci and his general in large pool of water on jet-ski. He kept on racing and flipped over having fun on a life jacket. Such was his fate in hell. “No,”Fatsu said. “I don’t think so.I don’t have a driver license and not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Abalos with his Taylor Made driver on the driving range hitting golf balls time after time after time.Fatsu told the devil “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder.I would be in constant agony if all I could do is hitting golf balls.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Fatsu saw Jaloslos lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was chinese mestiza doing what she does best. Fatsu took this in in disbelief and finally said, “Yea, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said “OK, Vickey Toh you’re free to go!”–Hehehe!
*
THAT’S MY CHAIR
Gloria, Noli, and Hawaaian Boy Atienza were in an airplane that crashed.They’re up in sky, and the devil checking his log book who’s about to enter the gate of hell because St,Peter rejected them in heaven, sitting on his furnace chair. The devil addresses Hawaaian boy first.
“Lito, what do you believe in?”
Lito replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the forest from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
Devil thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my right.”
Devil then addresses Noli. “Noli, what do you believe in?”
Noli replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think Filipino people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain because I am their constitutional successor ”
Devil thinks for a second and says “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my left.”
Devil then address Gloria. “Gloria, what do you believe in?”
Gloria furiously answered “I believe you’re in my chair.”–Hehehe!
*
*
Bulilyasong Weeding Day
Kaya ganyan si Luli dahil nabulilyaso ang kanyang weeding day.
Biruin mo ba naman ng ipakilala niya ang boyfren niya kay fatsu ay tinutulan ang plano,
Sabi Fatsu “Luli hindi mo siya pweding pakasalan dahil may moral na dahilan”
“Bakit naman,Papasito?” Ang tanong ni Luli.
“May sikretong dahilan,kapatid mo siya at iyan ay hindi pa alam ng iyung Mamasita”
Humagulgol ng iyak si Luli at sinabi ang problema sa kanyang ina.
“Bakit ka umiiyak,Iha?” ang tanong ng pandak na ina.
“Kasi ba naman ay ayaw ni Papasito na pakasalan ko ang aking boyfriend” ang hagulgol ni Luli.
“Bakit naman?” tanong ng kanyang Mama Mia.
“Kapatid ko raw siya sabi ng Papa at iyun ang sikreto na ayaw mong malaman” tugon ni Luli.
“My dear Luli,Pwedi mong pakasalan ang iyung nobyo dahil hindi kayo magkapatid sa ama at iyan ay hindi niya alam ang sikretong iniingatan at itinatago-tago ko pa sa iyong Papa” ang nasambit na dilang nadulas ng ina.
Joking lang itong storya,bahala na kayong maniwala.
*
A silicone breast implant and a man penile implant
A woman survived a car crash thanks to her silicone breasts which acted as an airbag, The old woman ran through a red light and crashed her car into another vehicle at a busy crossroad The two cars were crumpled past recognition in the crash but the woman’s silicone breasts acted as airbags and saved her life,
Meanwhile her hubby won more than million dollars in a lawsuit over a malfunctioning penile implant. The man received the steel and plastic implant in early nineties, about two years before the impotence drug Viagra went on the market. The glitchy penis implant designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it. the man’s complained was that he can’t position his penis downward because the device is faulty, causing him pain and embarrassment.The man commit suicide and the problem arise when it can’t close the coffin
Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto at mapag-romansa?
Mister: Guni-guni!
***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyon?!
***
Nanay: Ano ‘tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak : Hindi po ‘yan zero, ‘Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang ‘yan, ‘Nay, promise!
***
Love is a hidden fire, a pleasant sore, a soothing pain, an agreeable torment, a sweet wound. In short – a gentle death!
Ang ng pating! Dati Love is blind lang, eh!
He held her close against him, a warm glow of satisfaction covering them both.
“Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?” he asked.
She studied him reflectively.
“You might be,” she said. “Your face looks very familiar.”
***
We’ve just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
According to the report:
2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom,
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.
The other 95% get up to go home.
May minodify akong kwento na galing kay Fr. Orbos, iipon ko na rin dito…
—————–
THE STORY is told about a burglar who broke into a house one night. Unknown to him, it was the house of FG. As fate would have it, the two met each other in the dark corridor and they both froze in their tracks: When the scared burglar recognized FG he ran away shouting, “Thief! Thief!”
Maria: Mare, pwede ba, dito muna ako sa inyo? Lumayas ako sa amin. Kasi, buntis ako.
Guada: Dapat, sa taong nakabuntis sa ‘yo ka pumunta!
Maria: Kaya nga rito ako pumunta, eh. Nandiyan ba si Pare?
***
Pedro: Pare, ikaw ba’y naniniwala sa safe sex?
Juan: Aba , oo naman!
Pedro: Pare, wais ka talaga! Paano mo ginagawa sa partner mo?
Juan: Sinisiguro ko na wala ang mister niya!
***
Anak: Nanay, ano po ang ulam natin?
Nanay: Tingnan mo na lang sa ref natin.
Anak: Parang wala naman tayong ref, ‘Nay!
Nanay: Ibig sabihin, wala tayong ulam!
Sama Ako Sa Iyo
Inday: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway.Mabuti pa umalis na ako sa bahay na ito!
Kulas: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito! away doon! Mabuti pa siguro sumama na ako sa iyo!
Lalaking Siopao:
Andoy; Miss isa ngang siopao…..’yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Andoy: OO!’Yung may papel na sapin.Kumbaga,kotex na napkin.
Waitress:Ahh! ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito
Andoy:Lalaki?
Waitress:Kasi po may itlog sa loob!
Open Surgery:
Pasyente: , Dok,bakit po ganito ang operasyon ko sa ulo?Halos kita na ang utak ko.
Doctor: Okey lang iyan,’yan ang tinatawag na open-minded!
ilang araw pagkadating ni cocoy sa pilipinas ay dinalaw siya ng kanyang kumpareng joeseg. namasyal sila sa farm kung saan maraming tanim na punong mangga.
joeseg: p’re may bunga pala ang punong mangga mo. paborito ‘yan ng kumare mo!
cocoy: akyat ka sa puno pindutin mo ang bunga ng mangga, baka hinog na.
joeseg: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) oo, p’re, hinog na!
jocoy: sige, baba ka na, sungkitin natin!!
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gusto nang mag-asawa ng anak ni chi at nagpapaalam ito sa ina.
anak: nanay, ‘yung nobyo ko, hindi naniniwala sa langit at impiyerno.
chi: sige, anak, pakasal kayo. ipalasap mo sa kanya ang langit at ako ang magpapakita sa kanya ng impiyerno!
————————————————–
mare1: naku, naman mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
mare2: talaga naman, mare. kung ang asawa ko lang ang aasahan hindi sana nangyari ‘yan!
cute – ahako’yan
talented –akopa’yan
romantic – akoperin’yan
lovable – akoulit’yan
abnormal – ahikawna’yan
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ano ang hayop na hindi sigurado? eh, di baka.
ano naman ang laging napuputol? eh, di cat.
eh, ano naman ang palaging ayos? eh, di ox.
ano naman ang pangit? eh, di i-cow.
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bata: manong, ano po ba ang capital ng pilipinas?
manong: alam mo, walang capital ang pilipinas.
bata: po? eh, pinag-aralan na po namin ‘yun. nakalimutan ko lang.
manong: wala talaga, kasi puro utang!
—————————————————
what is the difference between secretary and the good secretary?
secretary: good morning, sir! your coffee is ready.
good secretary: morning na, sir. bangon na, your breakfast is ready.
Galing itong joke kay andres sa site ni Ellen:
—————-
GENIE: “Dahil pinalaya mo ako mula sa lampara bigyan kita ng 3 wishes”
LALAKE: “Gawin mo akong napaka-rich pero no tax. Powerful pero wala akong pwesto. Notorious pero walang sabit.”
GENIE: “Sige, mula ngayon, ikaw na si Mike Arroyo!!!”
nakakatakot na doon sa kabilang bahay. ‘antatapang ng mga tao. giyera na yata ‘yung pinag-uusapan kaya dito muna ako. mahirap na.
mabuti ng duwag na buhay kaysa matapang na may bulak sa ilong.
abalos: mike, nakita kita kagabi, kasama mo si victohria sa higaan.
mike: ow? baka naman nagkakamali ka lang?
abalos: hindi talagang ikaw ‘yun. kita ko pa nga ‘yung ipinakita mo sa akin noong balat mo sa kanang pige na parang $$, eh.
mike: ikaw naman. balat pala ‘yung nakita mo. eh, nakita mo ba ‘yung nasa harapan at gumagalaw ba ‘yung puwet ko?
Mrivera,
Meron isang commenter dun sa main house, ang sabi e “walang matapang na patay”, referring to Kapitan Nick na dapat ay mag-ingat sa Pidal criminal gang.
***
Ang tinging ko naman, yung pwet ni Mike na gumagalaw ay may mahabang buntot na parang sawang nakaikot sa bags ng $$$$?!
Sa St. Luke’s Hospital, isinugod si GMA.
GLORIA: Hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
MIKE: Kung nahirapan ka nang huminga, itigil mo na.
Daming matutuwa lalo na sa sa blog na ito, nandito ang sina Cocoy. MRivera, Artsee, Chi, Kabayan, TongueT, DGK, Ka Enchong, Enteng Butete, Reyna Elena, marami pang iba.
***
Basahin natin ang isang makabagbag damdaming kwento about love:
Ones I crush a boy from my alma mater who got my number so we could keep intact.
Sabi ko, “Connect me if I’m wrong, but are you asking me ouch?”
Sabi niya, “The?! I mean, tell me to the marines, ang kapal! The nerd!”
Naiyak ako because of hunger. I cried buckles of tears.
Tapos, sabi niya, “Don’t cry! Isipin mo na lang, this is a blessing in the sky.”
Irregardless of my feelings, let’s go ouch na rin.
Now we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na ‘yung pass.
Thanks God we shallowed our fried. Kasi, I’m 36 na and I’m running our time.
After two weeks, he axed me if you marry me?
Hay, talagang when it rains, it’s four!
Three reasons why laughing is good for your health:
1. Your heart – laughing lowers your blood pressure while increasing the amount of oxygen carried in your blood.
2. Your lungs – a deep belly laugh is like an internal aerobic workout, helping you breath more efficiently.
3. Your anxiety level – laughing lowers levels of the stress hormone cortisol, reducing tension. So take time to laugh even at the corniest joke!
“Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, ‘Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married'” –David Letterman
“No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain.” –Jay Leno
“They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, ‘Actions speak louder than words,’ Then Obama said, ‘Words can speak as loud as actions.’ And then McCain said, ‘Speak louder!'” –Bill Maher
“And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he’s running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can’t get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He’s like the herpes of presidential candidates.” –Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.” –David Letterman
“The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it’s known among lobbyists, lobbying.” –Amy Poehler
“Anyway, the New York Times did it again today. Did you see the paper today? They released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. Now, come on. There’s only so much you can believe.” –Jay Leno
Logic Lang Iyan
Isang araw nakita ni Erap si Fidel Ramos na nagbabasa ng libro tungkol sa logic
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro.
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang.
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan.
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat.
Erap: Oo.
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, …eh…di …. lalakeng – lalaki ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng – lalaki ka, eh di macho ka.
Erap : Oo.
Ramos : Kita mo na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah!
Sunod na araw nakita ni Erap si Maceda sa Senado. . .
Erap : Pareng Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni pareng Fidel.
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Maceda : Wala.
Erap : Bakla ka pala !
Nagkita ang magkaibigang COCOY at MAGNO (parehong car dealer).
Cocoy: MUSTANG buhay mo?
Magno: Eto, MITSU-BISHI ng konte.
Cocoy: NISSAN kasi, hindi ka nakikinig sa akin. Bigyan mo ng ALTIMA-tum ang asawa mo. Napakaselosa pa. CADILLAC-kad mo nakasunod siya.
Magno: Hindi ko kasi akalaing may TOYOTA pala ang ulo pero FORD the meantime titiisin ko muna.
Cocoy: CHEVY mo noon, OK siya. Aba, SUPRA na iyan, pare! MAZDA mo sarili mo puro CORVETTE ng noo mo.
Magno: PONTIAC ka ng ina mo!
Cocoy: Easy ka lang, pare. Hindi ako CARAVAN.
Magno: Alam mo, kahit ganoon si MAXIMA, nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng pagka-CIVIC sa kanya.
Cocoy: Eh paano, masyado kang MALIBU.
Magno: Kaya ngayon eh FOCUS ko na lang ang sarili ko sa trabaho at part-time job ko.
Cocoy: Teka ano nga bang part-time job mo?
Magno: Naglalako ng TAHOE.
tanggalan sa trabaho:
manager: mahina ang kita ng kumpanya. kailangan magbawas tayo ng tao.
supervisor1: tanggalin ‘yung laging late kung pumasok at maaga kung umuwi.
supervisor2: i-terminate na natin ‘yung madalas mag-absent.
supervisor3: oo nga, at ‘yung walang masyadong ginagawa dito sa opisina.
manager: teka, teka muna. parang ako ‘yang sinasabi ninyo, ah.!
—————————————————————–
woman’s prayer:
at 20 – lord I want the best man.
at 25 – lord, I want a good man.
at 30 – lord, I want any man.
at 40 – lord, please naman!!!!
———————————————————————
new pilipino lingo:
aspect – pantusok ng yelo
backlog – bacon saka egg
beehive – magpakatino ka
cdrom – tingnan mo ang kuwarto
city – bilang bago mag-otso
cattle – doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
debug – ang ipis
dedicated – pinatay ang pusa
deduct – ang pato
defeat – ang paa
defense – ang bakod
defer – ang balahibo
deflate – ang plato
defrag – ang palaka
delusion – eh, di maluwag
depends – see defense
deposit – ang gripo
depress – nagkasal sa persuading
detail – ang buntot
detest – ang eksamin
devalue – ‘yun ang susunod sa letrang “v”
devastation – ‘dun ang sakayan ng bus
devote – ang boto
dilemma – brownout ba?
effort – ‘dun nagla-lang ang efflane
forums – apat na kuwarto
it depends – kainin mo ang bakod
july – nagsisinungaling ka ba?
statue – ikaw ba ‘yan?
protestant – tindahan ng prutas
predicate – pakawalan mo ang pusa
profit – patunayan mo
persuading – unang kasal
tenacious – sampung sapatos
thesis – ito ay
torpedo – takot manligaw
zoology – ang agham sa pananahi
gloring back from honeymoon crying:
gloring: hu hu hu huwaaaaaah!
vikki: o, bakit, ano’ng nangyari sa ‘yo? galing ka pa naman sa honeymoon n’yo ni fatso?
gloring: ‘yang fatso na ‘yan, para palang bote. hu huh u!
vikki: eh di okey! todo ligaya mo! bakit ka pa umiiyak?
gloring: ano’ng ligaya? bote ng WHITEFLOWER?!!!!
bunge: ‘dre, inom ka ng gamot.
fatso: ano ba magandang gamot pampatigas p’re?
bunge: diatabs!
fatso: bakit diatabs?
bunge: tumitigas nga ‘yung tae, ‘yan pa kayang ari mo hinde?
——————————————-
gloring: nakakiinis ‘yang vikki na ‘yan, laging sumisingit sa eksena namin ni fatso.
mikey: mummy, huwag mo nang sirain ang araw mo dahil lang doon. mas maraming importante ang dapat mong pagtuunan ng pansin.
dato: oo nga naman, mummy. dami pang pera ang puwede nating hakutin bago dumating ang 2010. at saka pabayaan mo na si daddy, madami namang puwedeng ipalit sa kanya. ‘and’yan si mingot. si nani. si espi. palabasin mo na rin si tony, guwapo ‘yun at mas bata pa.
gloring: oo nga, ano? at saka bakit ko nga ba aaksayahin ang oras ko sa kanila. ‘and’yan naman kayong mga kyut na anak ko, di ba? at maraming mhin diyan. ahay!
luli: kaya nga, mummy, smile, smile na at smile pa. sige ka, pag ganyan ka ampangit kodakan ang mukha na nagsasalubong ang mga kilay.
mikey at dato: (korus pa) oo nga naman. pero lalo namang mas pangit kodakan ang magkasalubong na nguso at kilay. he he he heeeeh!.
pareng cocoy, paki delete ‘yung putol na nasa itaas. eto ‘yung tamang mga linya noon. ‘sensiya na nahulog kasi. ‘buti na lang nakita ko kung saan nangahulog. isa-isa kong pinulot.
___________________
ang problema ni fatso
fatso: bunge, meron akong problema kapag magkatabi na kami ni gloring.
bunge: bakit, ano ba ‘yun?
fatso: p’re, nawawalan ng sigla baril ko, nanlalambot.
bunge: ‘dre, inom ka ng gamot.
fatso: ano ba magandang gamot pampatigas p’re?
bunge: diatabs!
fatso: bakit diatabs?
bunge: tumitigas nga ‘yung tae, ‘yan pa kayang ari mo hinde?
Magkasintahan watchin’ da sky…
GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?
GIRL: anong huruskup?
GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!
*********************************
TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?
PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn’t she?
TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?
*********************************
DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!
MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal!
The world’s car manufacturers have often been accused of using sex to sell their products.
But sometimes, an unintentional sex reference – the very name of their
vehicles – backfires for some automakers.
General Motors of Canada Ltd. is searching for a new monicker for its
domestically built Buick Regal, which was going to be marketed across
North America as the LaCrosse beginning next year.
That was until GM realized that “la crosse” is commonly used in Quebec
to mean masturbation.
“Individuals in Quebec brought it to our attention so we decided to change the name in Canada,” GM Canada spokesperson Stew Low said
yesterday in a phone interview from corporate headquarters in Oshawa,
Ontario.
Low confirmed the company is test marketing different replacement names.
“There is no deadline, since the car won’t be out until late next year,” he said.
The former Regal will be sold as the LaCrosse in the U.S., however.
It isn’t GM’s first problem with misinterpretation of a model name.
The Nova introduced in the 1970s wasn’t well accepted in Mexico and other Spanish-speaking markets where “no va” means “no go.”
Other manufacturers haven’t been immune.
Mitsubishi Motors: Its Pajero model was recently renamed in
Spanish-speaking countries where the word is local lingo for “masturbator.”
Ford Motor Co.: The popular but ill-fated Pinto didn’t sell well in Brazil because pinto is Brazilian Portuguese slang for “small penis.”
And in Britain, the Escort and Fiesta also happen to be the names of two adult magazines.
Toyota Motor Corp.: The Japanese auto giant was left red-faced when it was found its Fiera is a Puerto Rican colloquialism for “ugly old woman.”
==
Sige, gaya ng dati ay ako ang taga-tawa at taga-pala!
Different definition of Dedbol
1. Suicide – when you kill yourself
2. Homicide – when you kill a fellow human being
3. Patricide – when you kill your parents
4. Fratricide – when you kill your fraternity brod
5. Sororicide – when you kill a sorority sis
6. Infanticide – when you kill a child
7. Genocide – when you kill plenty of pipol
8. Baycide – when you kill a hostess or when you kill fishermen or fishes, destroy marine life
9. Homocide – when you kill a gay
10. Insecticide – when kill a chinese after kidnapping him/her
11. Rivercide – when you kill a river
12. In Sex He Died – when a person died after having sex
About donuts
1. Dunkin’ donuts – additional taxes on donuts
2. Hey mister, dough not – Mama, huwag mong gawin yan
3. Advice to China on Spratlys – dough not push your luck
4. Action agad – Let’s dough it!
5. Motto: Dough unto others; Dough or die
Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces:
“Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.”
***
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
“Will I be acquitted?”
***
The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asks, “Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy sighs. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks, “With whom?”
“With you,” he admits with a blush. “But Johnny,” she says gently, “don’t you see how silly this is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry, teacher,” the boy replies reassuringly. “I’ll use a condom.”
Purportedly, India is now the largest English speaking country in Asia….. which means, Philippines has been dislodged in its throne. Mabuti na rin para hindi tayo ang palaging laughing stock on how not to speak and write in English. So, let’s start be amused by reading this collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India.
1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.
2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”
3. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
4. From Administration dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”
5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave.”
6. An incident of a leave letter: “I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”
7. A leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today.”
8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”
9. Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”
10. Another one: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”
11. Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
12. Letter writing: “I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
13. A candidate’s job application: “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both (!! ) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
nasa kahabaan kami ng biyahe papuntang angono nang biglang sumigaw ang isang babae.
babae: mamang drayber, para sa tabi, taytay na ho!
drayber: ale, ano’ng taytay na sinasabi ninyo, eh kalalampas lang natin sa rosario?
babae: marunong ka pa sa akin! basta ipara mo sa tabi at taytay na.
drayber: huwag kang masungit. kung gusto mo ipapara ko na itong dyip at bumababa ka na, pero huwag mo nang kukunin ang pamasahe mo hanggang taytay.
babae: hindi problema ‘yun. basta ang alam ko ay taytay na.
tumayo ang babae at patalong bumaba habang ang katabi ay biglang napasigaw.
katabi: ay, mamang drayber. kanina pa pala napatay ‘yung babae.
drayber: ano? eh di ba’t kababa pa lang?
katabi: ayan, o. nagkalat ang tay niya! ‘ambaho!
Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?
****************************
Misis: ” Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala Niya ang
limang anak namin.”
Radio Host: ” Ok, go ahead!”
Misis: ” Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa Iyo =
diyan!”
***************************
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!
***************************
Two nurses on duty…
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen
Isang araw sa classroom
Teacher: Kids, sino gusto pumunta sa heaven, raise your hands!
Lahat ng bata nagtaas ng kamay liban kay Pedro..
Teacher: Pedro, bakit di ka nagtaas ng kamay mo? Ayaw mo bang pumunta sa langit?
Pedro: Teacher gusto ko sana, kaso matatagalan ba tayo dun? Kasi baka mapagalitan na naman ako ng nanay ko pag ginabi ako!
***
Usapang lasing sa Cocoy’s Delight.
Cocoy: Alam mo Pare, nag-enjoy talaga ako doon sa bukid ng lolo ko! Minsan naghukay kami ng kamote, biruin mo, nakahukay kami ng kamoteng kasinglaki ng simbahan ng Mariveles!
Magno: Sisiw yan Pare, sa sawang dumaan sa likod-bahay namin! Noong kasalukuyang dumadaan yung ulo nung sawa, nag-aalmusal kami. Noong dumaan yong buntot, naghahapunan na kami!
Cocoy: Ang yabang mo naman, Pare! May sawa ba namang ganun kahaba? Niloloko mo naman ako eh.
Magno: O sige, Pareng Cocoy. Para magkasundo tayo, liitan mo yung kamote mo at iiksian ko naman yung sawa ko!
May tatlong magkumpareng lasing, nagkasiyanhan sila hanggang gabi at doon inabutan sila ng bagyo sa bahay ni Fidel. Sumilip ang lasing na Fidel sa labas ng bintana at binuksan ang flashlight para makita ang pinsala sa labas…
Fidel: Pare wala naman pala itong bagyong to, dati paghumangin tanggal lahat ng niyog dito!
Erap: Wala yan, nung huling bagyo sa amin pag-flashlight ko sa labas ng bahay namin, nabigla ako at sa lakas ng hangin nabaluktot ang puno ng niyog!
Mike FiG: Wala yan sa nangyari doon amin. Nung umabot ang bagyo, an lakas talaga ng hangin. Finlashlight ko ang niyogan namin, at baluktot!
Erap: Alin? Ang niyog?
Mike FiG: Hindi lang yon … baluktot pati ang ilaw ng flashlight ko!
The boss came in one morning and caught a male clerk hugging his secretary.
He said in a rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?”
The clerk replied, “Nope! I do this for free.”
World’s Organized Crime Groups
USA: Mafia
Japan: Yakuza
Italy: Cosa Nostra
China: Triad
Taiwan: 14K
Philippines: The Arroyos
***
Palahaw ng rallyistang ANTI-Gloria…
“Ibagsak! Sobra na! Tama na!”
Sigaw ng rallyistang PRO-Gloria…
“One-bag o sack! Yong sobre! Sige pa!”
***
From a text message:
Manoling Morato criticized Jun Lozada saying he is a fake.
Lozada’s reaction: “No comment po ako d’yan kasi sabi po ng tatay ko… hindi dapat pinapatulan ang mga babae.”
Miss Universe
Abalos: Partner bakit malalim ang iniisip mo?
Mike FiG: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Abalos : Swerte mo! Ano problema mo?
Mike FiG: Pare, ako nanalo!
Isang panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Wala lang! Nagsusuggest lang…
holdaper: lola, holdap ito.
lola: damuho ka, anlaki mo na sa akin ka pa humihingi ng lolipap?
holdaper: (pasigaw) HINDI LOLIPAP, HOLDAP!
lola: (sabay sampal) bastos kang karaho ka, ah. huwag kang sisigaw. hindi ako binge.
holdaper: akin na ‘yang pera mo.
lola: wala akong pera.
holdaper: alam kong nasa kamison mo ang pera. (sabay dukot sa may tapat ng suso at nakuha ang pera)
lola: damuho ka talaga. sa ilalim ng palda ko, marami pa.
Mike Arroyo met Gary Kasparov in HongKong. Mike askd Gary: “If d present situation in my country is like a chess game, what wud you do?” Gary K replied: “SACRIFICE d QUEEN, Ride d HORSE, Leave d CASTLE, Follow d BISHOP & RESIGN!
Marcos’ downfall was due to KBL:
K-asalanan ng
B-abaeng taga-
L-eyte.
GMA’s downfall is predicted to be due to KAMPI:
K-umanta
A-ng
M-atinong
P-robinsyanong
I-ntsik.
Puno ng tao sa rally sa Makati habang nasa loob naman ng Crame si FiG at si Gloring. Nagmumukmok si Gloring habang si FiG naman ay nangungulit sa kanya ng kung anu anong bagay.
FiG: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Gloring : Dalhin kita sa Africa…
FiG : Wow! How sweet naman… eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Gloring : Susunduin na kita!
Nakuha ang Malacanang ng mga galit na galit na mga tao at nahuli nila si Abalot at si FiG. Ang lider ng grupo ang pinili na “judge” at nasintensiyahan ang dalawa.
Lider-judge: Abalot, anong gusto mong parusa? Ikulong ka kasama isang malaking pusa o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Naisip ni Abalot, malaking pusa lang pala eh!
Abalot: Your honor, ikulong niyo ako kasama ng malaking pusa.
Lider-judge: O sige, taumbayan ilagay si Abalot sa kulungan!
Pinasok si Abalot sa kulungan at huli na nung malaman niya na ang malaking pusa pala ay isang leon at dinamba siya at sinimulang kainin.
Lider-judge: O ikaw FiG, anong gusto mong parusa? Ikulong ka kasama isang malaking pusa o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Nag-isip si FiG, tanga naman hanggat kelan itong si Abalot kaya nabisto ang ZTE deal kaya eto mali tuloy na sintensiya ang pinili niya. Nanginginig na sinagot ni FiG ang Lider-judge habang naririnig pa niyang sumisigaw at kinakain ng leon ang kawawang Abalot.
FiG: Your honor, mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Lider-judge: Taumbayan! Ilabas si Jolibee!
minsan si cocoy ay naengganyong pumasko (gatecrash) sa isang pagtitipong hindi niya alam kung ano. bago siya nakalusot sa gate ay sinita siya ng isang maskuladong lalaking ang taas ay 6’5″, balbas sarado at puro tattoo ang katawan at malakulog na dumadagundong ang boses.
lalaki: hoy, ano’ng lakas ng loob ang nagdala sa iyo upang pumasok dito?
cocoy: (nginig, ngatog, kalambreng pinagpawisan bigla ng ganggapakwan) b-b-b-bakk-ke-ket? b-ba-ba-bawal bang pumasok?
lalaki: miyembro ka ba dito? meron ka bang ID?
cocoy: m-m-me-meron. (inilabas ang dati niyang ID sa PCC). eto, o?
lalaki: (sabay batok, buti nakailag si cocoy) ‘tado ka! hindi ‘yan ang ID dito!
cocoy: (tumapang ) ano nga? nagtatanong ka ng ID, tapos sasabihin mo hindi yung ang ID dito?
lalaki: hindi mo ba nakikitang balbas-sarado ako’t tadtad ng tatoo? ikaw ni isang hibla ng bigote ay wala ka, lakas ng loob mong basta papasok?
cocoy: (ipinakita ang tattoo niyang isang dangka na habang guhit) ayan, o! tattoo ko.
lalaki: niloloko mo ba ako? (sabay bigwas, buti nakailag na naman si cocoy, kung hinde SLN siya) bulate lang ‘yan ah?
cocoy: (biglang naghubo ng salawal kasama ang karsunsilyo sabay harap sa lalaki) ayan, o. ano’ng tawag mo diyan, hindi ba balbong sarado ‘yan?
BAWAL MAMATAY – Dito na tayo!
French mayor bans dying
SARPOURENX, France (UPI) — A mayor in southwest France has threatened residents of his village of Sarpourenx with severe punishment if they die because there’s no room in the cemetery.
Mayor Gerard Lalanne posted an ordinance in the council offices advising the village’s 260 residents that “all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish.”
It added, “Offenders will be severely punished,” Homes Worldwide said.
The 70-year-old mayor, who is hoping to be re-elected in local elections, told journalists, “It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me.”
Four guys were playing mahjong and it ended with Johnny announcing that he lost $5000. Suddenly, he clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other three agreed that somebody should see his wife to bring the sad news. They draw straws. Cocoy picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a situation any worse than it is.
Cocoy says, “Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me. Don’t you realize why I adopted Delight after Cocoy?”
Cocoy walks over to Johnny’s house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Cocoy says, “Your husband just lost $5000 in our mahjong session.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Cocoy says, ” Sige, Mrs, ngayon din I’ll tell him.”
A man was lying on the psychiatrist’ s couch as his therapist addressed him.
“Well, Jim. I’m pleased to announce that this will be our final session. I believe that you finally are cured of your paranoia.”
“Yes, doctor. I am.”
“I remember how you used to think that men in black were following you everywhere. But you don’t believe that anymore, do you?”
“No, doctor. I don’t”
“I remember also how you used to think that black helicopters were hovering over your house. But you don’t believe that anymore either, do you?”
“No, doctor. I don’t”
“Finally, I remember how you used to think that CIA agents were monitoring your mail, bugging your phone, and snooping into your affairs. But you don’t believe that anymore either, do you?”
“No, doctor. I don’t. Thanks to your therapy, I no longer harbor such delusions. In fact, you’ve been so helpful to me, that I’m really sorry that I have to kill you now,” said Jim, as he pulled out a gun.
The psychiatrist was shocked. “Wait a minute. Why do you have to kill me?”
“You know too much.”
***
According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world.
How pathetic is that?
President Bush commented on this
today, he said, “Why do we need our kids to find the U. S. on a map? They’re already here.” (Jay Leno)
Cocoy: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Pwede na rin, Mang Cocoy, sir.”
Cocoy: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, Mang Cocoy, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
***
A man robs a bank and takes hostages who happened to be GMA & FG Mike Arroyo and Toting Bunye who just came out from a conference with a bank president regarding their deposits.
The robber grabbed Toting Bunye and asks him, “did you see me rob the bank”.
Bunye answers, “yes”.
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then the robber grabbed FG Mike Arroyo and asks if he saw him rob the bank.
FG Arroyo answers answers, “no, but my wife, pointing to GMA, did”.
***
Note: Walang mapipikon at Bisaya rin ang nagbigay sa akin ng joke na ito :)
*************
BISAYA KILLER
May isang mama na namamaril ng bisaya. Galit na galit sya sa mga bisaya dahil bisaya ang dati niyang nobya na sumama sa ibang lalaki. Isang araw ay nagwala na lang siya at lahat ng makita niyang bisaya ay papatayin daw niya.
Nabalitaan ito nina Inday, Maritess, at Teresa. Kinabahan sila at naghanap
Ng matataguan nang pumunta ang mama sa kanilang tinitirahan.
Unang nakita ng killer si Inday.
Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!
Inday: Hende poh.
BANG!!!
Nagpraktis sina Maritess at Teresa: Hindi po! Hindi po!
Nakita ng killer si Teresa.
Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!
Teresa: Hindi po!
Killer: Ano ang pangalan mo???!!!
Teresa: Tirisa po.
BANG!!!
Nagpraktis muli si Maritess: Hindi po! Maritess po.
Nakita ng killer si Maritess.
Killer: Bisaya ka ba ???!!!
Maritess: Hindi po!
Killer: Ano ang pangalan mo???!!!
Maritess: Maritess po.
Tumalikod na ang killer at aalis na.
Sa tuwa ni Maritess, napasigaw siya, ” YIS!!!”.
BANG!!!
Ester and Sally, two elderly widows, are curious about the latest arrival in their compound — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Ester says,” Sally, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Ester, he’s single!”
***
In a fifth-graders class, the topic was the history of the Alamo and the teacher gave them a test with this bonus uestion:
“What was the famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for Texans?”
One student’s response: “Remember the alimony!”
Ipinarada ni Cocoy ang kanyang Mercedes sa harap ng isang mall at ipinagbilin bilin niya sa security guard (SG) na tingnan ang kanyang kotse. Ilang minuto lang, pumasok ang SG at hinanahap si Cocoy.
SG: Sir, isang armadong lalaki ang sumakay sa inyong kotse at mabilis itong itinakas.
COCOY: Anak ng… bakit hindi mo pinigilan? Ano bang ginagawa mo?
SG: Di bale, sir, wala siyang kawala. Nakuha ko ang eksaktong plate number ng kotse.
***
Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend’s office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
“Hey, what’s up with you?”, he asked.
“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”
“Well, nothing wrong in that,” he said, “Is she blonde or brunette?”
“Neither. He’s bald.”
***
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. What size would you like?”
The blonde responds, “Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now.”
mga dyoks galing sa kolum ni J. O.
******************************
Happy Halloween to our friends at Alzheimer’s Society, and all the BEST for 1983! It was truly a great 2009. [Ces Evangelista]
***
Happy New Year! Kumusta riyan? Dito, BAD NEWS! Kasi, may nakitang PUTOL NA KAMAY, malapit lang sa bahay namin.
Hindi pa makuha ngayon. Wala kasing makalapit dahil nananampal! [Lee 23, hanggang 0915-580-3962]
***
Sa Taon ng Daga, sana’y kagatin ka ng suwerte, ngatngatin ka ng saya at maging mabilis ang pasok ng pera sa ‘yo!
Ipasa mo agad ito sa iba. Kapag may bumalik sa ‘yo, suwerte ‘yun! [008-526-856-1905]
***
JINGGOY: Dad, nag-take ako ng Viagra kahapon. Hanggang ngayon, tigas pa rin!
ERAP: Next year pa lalambot ‘yan.
JINGGOY: Bakit?
ERAP: Tingnan mo ang expiration, 2009 pa! [0928-633-9880]
BOY: Sana, naging pinto ka na lang.
GIRL: Bakit naman?
BOY: Para pwede kitang pasukan at labasan. [Baby Chinito]
***
PAMATAY NA PICKUP LINES
“Geometry ba ang favorite subject mo? Kasi, kahit anong angle, ang cute mo…”
“Alam mo ba, scientist ako? Kasi, ikaw ang LAB ko.”
“Ano ang height mo? Paano ka nagkasya sa puso ko?”
“Ang galing mo siguro sa puzzles. Kasi, umaga pa lang, nabuo mo na ang araw ko.”
“Hindi tayo tao… hindi tayo hayop… BAGAY TAYO!”
“Troso ka ba? Ang sarap mong sibakin, eh!”
“Bangin ka ba? Nahulog kasi ako sa ‘yo!”
“I’m a bee… Can you be my honey?”
“May license ka ba? Coz you’re driving me crazy!” [Baby Chinito]
***
One day, my classmate said, “Pwede bang tabi tayo kapag may exam?”
Tinanong ko siya, “Bakit? Kokopya ka?”
Ang sagot niya, “Kasi, I feel perfect when I’m beside you… ‘yun ‘yun, eh!” [Genesis, 0929-296-7870]
***
Napapanahong banat:
excuse me… istatwa “Miss, ka ba? Gusto kasi kitang galawin, eh!” [0915-580-3962]
***
T: Ano ang sabi ng kotse sa bakang tumatawid?
S: “Beef! Beef! Beef!”
T: Ano naman ang sagot ng baka?
“InaMOOOOO!!!” [Dagirl, 0915-428-6981] S:
***
I don’t believe in chain messages. Istorbo lang ‘yan. Gimik para kumita ang ilan. Gastos!
Kaya pwede ba, tigilan na natin ‘yan? Please send this message to 10 of your friends to inform them! [0929-364-7723]